The opening line of a recent blog on the independent site read ‘We’re all going crazy for internet dating!’ That line might go some way in explaining the number of crazy people you may need to get through to find a good date.

Four years ago I found myself single for the first time in my adult life at the ripe old age of 29. I had also just moved into a new area and didn’t know anyone outside of work. As many will tell you, those that have been single for a long time find it more difficult to adjust to being with someone whereas those, like me, that have been in relationships a long time find it hard to adjust to being single. I have to admit that it was a new, very lonely experience for me, particularly as I had a child in my last relationship. I’d gone from hectic family life to being totally alone. At that time I knew that I wanted to be in another relationship and believed the easiest way to do so, considering my circumstances, would be to give internet dating a try.

Over the last 4 years I have been on and off different dating sites, resulting in a numerous amount of dates that have varied from the nicest of people to the most crazy I’d ever met. Some of these crazier dates verged on being serious enough to get the police involved.

One of the obvious mutually interesting discussions you can have with any date is about internet dating itself. I found it fascinating as to what women thought about it and the experiences they’d previously had. It often felt like smokers talking about smoking; you could be total strangers and found yourself talking about something you hated but still carried on with because you couldn’t see an alternative way. My experiences, my feelings and these discussions I had with dates really made me consider why the current way of internet dating could be more problematic than problem solving.

With more people single in their middle age, more breakdowns of marriage and both males and females working endless hours in pursuit of careers, any technology that can assist in the search and recommendation of a prospective partner has got to be a good thing, right? Well it seems like a lot of people think so, with an estimated 80% of single people in Europe and the US trying online dating. The revenue generated from internet dating in the US alone equates to over $1 Billion dollars, with 40 million registered internet daters from the 54 million estimated single people.

So if the large population of singletons has a demand for these services and the internet dating companies are supplying them what is the problem? The real problem stems from the complex set of human requirements involved when you are looking for someone and how the websites manage or more often mismanage the mechanics of delivering these requirements. Regardless if we are aware of it, as users we follow the intangible rule sets given to us by the sites in interacting with potential partners. This bends our normal behaviour to interact in a way that often brings out the worst possibilities of meeting someone. It’s therefore as much our own fault as the dating site owners but we are being educated to think that what we are doing is normal…well it must be if the majority of the population is doing it.  The over-engineering by the companies of their offerings has gone past the point of helping.

It is quite clear why these companies have done these things. It is a competitive market so they all need to appear to differentiate themselves and also add that little something extra. There are two major things that all the providers of these services have in common. The first is that they are trying to make money and the second is that the quicker they are at finding you a long-term partner the less money they will make. Therefore these companies have the following impossible dilemma; their customers needs are quite the opposite of their own. In fact only 10% of new users leave in the first 3 months and 95% of the same leavers haven’t met anyone. It just clarifies that internet dating isn’t the quick fix a lot think it might be.

So what are the problems of internet dating at present? There are quite a few if you ask me. I can’t cover them all so will focus on the main ones. I haven’t been on or even heard of every dating site in the world so these are problems that only exist in the sites I’ve had experience with (Chemistry, Match, Match Affinity, eHarmony, Plenty of Fish and Zoosk) but I can imagine most of the problems I’ll go into apply for the majority of other sites as well. I only state problems for the genuine, normal minded person looking for love. Those not fitting into this bracket may find the problems I list beneficial.

Aesthetic commodity selling

Some sites are more genuine than others in this way but the crux of it is that a large part of our attraction is based on physical looks. With most sites wanting to emphasise the huge number of members they have, they will display page-by-page of a huge number of photos side by side. When your photo is listed amongst hundreds of others you literally become a fish in the sea. The ‘plenty of fish in the sea’ saying is more of an enlightening of the truth so I don’t feel the problem lies here. The problem is that by the sites making this the primary focus of search, we start short-listing entirely based on looks.

Successful couples that had been together over 20 years were asked what was the most important thing that first attracted them to their partner.  Only 23% believed it was looks. In contrast 89% of us select a first internet date based on looks.

Consider the following simple romantic scenario. You see an average looking stranger standing near you at a bar talking to their friends. You pay no attention until you overhear them talking about something of importance to you. The stranger sees things the same way as you so you turn to pay attention. The stranger notices you, smiles and you engage in conversation. Only after interacting with them have you found them attractive…an impossible scenario with internet dating. It is however, possible to go through these romantic feelings after the selection process, by which time you may well have skipped past the romantic stranger in the story above. This was because there were 40 other photos on a page alongside theirs and 10 were better looking.

Lies, deceit and telling you what you want to hear

I’m guessing its not a new concept to anyone that people lie about certain things with apparently 53% of us doing so just on our CV/resume or linkedin profiles but for some reason a lot of us are still a little naïve about it when viewing profiles. People are trying to sell themselves. Trying to better their competitors, men lie most about their age, height and income whereas women lie most about their age, weight and physical build.

Why?? Some people realise its all about getting that first date and go to stupid extents to bend the truth. Some totally fabricate it because they are trying to escape the reality of their lives….I really don’t know!

I’ve personally experienced this problem many times. I’ve met a woman that had pictures from 10 years ago and lied about her age, an enormous woman that looked like she had eaten the slender girl in her pictures for breakfast and a couple of women that have totally fabricated their entire life stories to such detail that as a rational person you believe them. After all…why on earth would they bother!

Stranger danger

It took me a while to realise the reason why I was meeting a higher percentage of odd people dating than I’ve ever met in the rest of my life. Its simply because when you are internet dating you are quite obviously meeting a stranger.

In the rest of our lives we typically meet friends and sometimes, even dates through friends. By default when you do this you are likely to meet someone your friend considers a friend. It is unlikely that a good friend has many odd friends let alone would want to introduce you to them.

As we get older and go through our friendship cycles the chance of meeting odd people become smaller and smaller and our expectations follow suit. That’s why it becomes a bit of a shock at first when you meet your first random odd-ball.  It really can put you off internet dating for good and might go some way in explaining the 10% of people leaving within 3 months.